Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

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My handwriting has slowly morphed from cheerleader to serial killer to elephant with a paint brush.


I quarantined with my mother so that I didn’t have to worry about her safety.
PSA….I’m starting to worry about her safety.


Bring cheeseburgers to a knife fight. No one wants to stab someone who gave them cheeseburgers.


[being chased round my house by a murderer]


ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on


The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.


Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants


My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever


[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life


Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.