@Smug_Lemur

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

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@CoreyNotKori

My handwriting has slowly morphed from cheerleader to serial killer to elephant with a paint brush.

@MyLife2567

I quarantined with my mother so that I didn’t have to worry about her safety.
PSA….I’m starting to worry about her safety.

@delusions_of

Bring cheeseburgers to a knife fight. No one wants to stab someone who gave them cheeseburgers.

@ArfMeasures

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

@Hobo_Splendido

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

@DirtMcTurd

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

@amysowerby

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

@GrantTanaka

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life

@garrydavenport

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.