Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won’t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that’s what’s been missing.

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My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.


*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what


[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!


If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”


almost 22 years ago 2 people had sex and now i have to go to work everyday


If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…


me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”


I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.


WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.


[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on