So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
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sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
✌️
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.