@NathanBgood

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

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@CherBear162

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

@InternetHippo

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

@LizerReal

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

@Ygrene

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

@Aricka_Shuck

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

@Seinfeld2000

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!

@thatUPSdude

Think the walk of shame sucks now, imagine doing it in the 80s in corduroy pants.

Everyone heard you leaving.

@ShortSleeveSuit

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

@duckpuppet

In these tough times, you can pop in the Titanic DVD to watch rich people die painfully, their money powerless against the fury of nature

@U_Want_Shum_M8

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-