Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
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MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Think the walk of shame sucks now, imagine doing it in the 80s in corduroy pants.
Everyone heard you leaving.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
In these tough times, you can pop in the Titanic DVD to watch rich people die painfully, their money powerless against the fury of nature
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-