Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
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My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Tastes like chicken.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭