@HelloCullen

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

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@KeetPotato

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

@Dawn_M_

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

@markydoodoo

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

@_ElvishPresley_

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

@jessokfine

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

@scant_alpaca

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

@_steamy_mac

Those aren’t chest pains, that’s just what being an adult feels like.

@blade_funner

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

@KyleMcDowell86

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”