Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
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I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.