chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
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Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Those aren’t chest pains, that’s just what being an adult feels like.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”