Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

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please tell me that when we defeat ISIS they will have to become WASWAS


[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?


At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.


[holding a device in my hand that contains the accumulated knowledge of mankind]

*search* Panda…playing…ukulele


It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.


Dear XBOX Kinect
If I wanted to use my
whole body to play
sports, I’d play sports.


At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.


My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.


When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.