Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
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I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
as is their right
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.