@TheToddWilliams

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

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@justaride

please tell me that when we defeat ISIS they will have to become WASWAS

@CAshmanActor

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

@junejuly12

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

@blade_funner

[holding a device in my hand that contains the accumulated knowledge of mankind]

*search* Panda…playing…ukulele

@3sunzzz

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

@Marcmywords2

Dear XBOX Kinect
If I wanted to use my
whole body to play
sports, I’d play sports.

@Moldy_Jellybean

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

@Parkerlawyer

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.