“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
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Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Tremendous stuff
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Okay, I’m still confused…
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?