Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
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Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base