Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
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“Um, thanks?” -A woman who posed for a Picasso painting
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
[At neighbor’s barbecue]
Neighbor: How would you like your steak?
Me: At my house with no any company.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Guy just asked me where a public phone was, I told him 1987.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face