Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
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Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier