Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.

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To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.


First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?


*being pulled away by security from flamingo pen at the zoo with a handful of pink feathers and a black eye*


X – Single
X – Married
X – It’s complicated
X – In a relationship
✅ – Not falling for that shit again…


There’s no time like the present.

Which is somewhat unfortunate.


Guy: “Do you have a lighter?”
Me: “Yep”
Guy: “You smoke?”
Me: “No, you just never know when you’re gonna need to light someone on fire.”


If I yell, “Heads up!” I’m clear of all liability at children’s parties.


Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’


[keeps slapping empty glass ketchup bottle until the entire cafe is silent]


Good cop: where were you last Wednesday?
Cotton Eye Joe cop: where did you come from, where did you go