@caseytduncan

Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.

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@ashleyaustrew

You have -4 min to cook. Your ingredients are:
Goldfish
An apple w/ 1 bite out of it
Chicken you didn’t thaw
7 Legos
– Chopped: Moms Edition

@xysist

If Kim and Kanye name their next kid North West again, we can comfortably refer to the two as One Direction.

@drinksmcgee

*buys my kids a PlayStation 4

*kids use PlayStation 4 to watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games

*starts drinking heavily

@ag_loco

Things I haven’t seen in a while:
1) the 2yo I’m babysitting today
2) a man
3) my waist-line
4) my imaginary goat, Bill
5) my sanity

@bumdog7

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.

@warbird622

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

@GlennyRodge

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

@JhonRules

when i was a kid my father caught me wearing a ponytail so he sat me down and made me eat an entire steven seagal movie

@SteveSuckington

“Expose yourself to Art” they said

“Art will tase you and call the cops on you” they didn’t say