You have -4 min to cook. Your ingredients are:
An apple w/ 1 bite out of it
Chicken you didn’t thaw
– Chopped: Moms Edition
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
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If Kim and Kanye name their next kid North West again, we can comfortably refer to the two as One Direction.
*buys my kids a PlayStation 4
*kids use PlayStation 4 to watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games
*starts drinking heavily
Things I haven’t seen in a while:
1) the 2yo I’m babysitting today
2) a man
3) my waist-line
4) my imaginary goat, Bill
5) my sanity
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
My favorite letter is elamenopee.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
when i was a kid my father caught me wearing a ponytail so he sat me down and made me eat an entire steven seagal movie
“Expose yourself to Art” they said
“Art will tase you and call the cops on you” they didn’t say