Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
You Might Also Like
[man having a stroke on an airplane]
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh my god! Do we have a doctor on the plane?
DENTIST: I’m a dentist, I can try
FA: Please do, hurry!
DENTIST: *runs over and hurriedly flosses the man’s teeth* Don’t you die on me
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
*throws up gang signs*
*never eats gang signs again*
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.