@pittdave13

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

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@crocodilethumbs

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

@Home_Halfway

[man having a stroke on an airplane]

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh my god! Do we have a doctor on the plane?

DENTIST: I’m a dentist, I can try

FA: Please do, hurry!

DENTIST: *runs over and hurriedly flosses the man’s teeth* Don’t you die on me

@WICKEDTRUTH01

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

@WhaJoTalkinBout

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

@LittleMissZesty

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

@NoogsCorner

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

@imteddybless

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho

@ChillGates69

Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?

Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”

Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?

Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER

Prisoner: damn that’s cold

@WillHinsa

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.