Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
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“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts