Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
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Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?