@noogscorner

Maybe that neighbor without a Wi-Fi password isn’t an idiot. Maybe he’s generous. And an idiot.

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@Whoizbad

Ya’ll a bunch of panicking morons for people who claim to want to die daily.

@girlneuy

“Give me pizza or give me death…” my history loving son’s version of a threat.

@Carbosly

There is no life on earth without water.nBecause without water, there is no coffee.nAnd without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

@weinerdog4life

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

@mattytalks

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

@Mama_in_heels

My mom asked where the remote was and my son told her it was up her ass. She high-fived him and then turned around and slapped me.

@fatherofcomedy

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

@impaulmccoy

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

@mrjohndarby

Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time

@AndyAsAdjective

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV