I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
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Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Hello Twits.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Spring of Deception
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
much to think about
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
You are what you delete.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.