Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Maybe that neighbor without a Wi-Fi password isn’t an idiot. Maybe he’s generous. And an idiot.
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ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I had to share this!!!
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
When I was 13 my dad gave me a bunch of socks n said “I heard u grunting in ur room last night, do it into these” So now I poop into socks
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.