@notnotscotty
on the toilet 15min: both legs asleep
in bed 3hrs: none of anything asleep
@noogscorner
Maybe that neighbor without a Wi-Fi password isn’t an idiot. Maybe he’s generous. And an idiot.
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@notnotscotty
@AimeeHelene1
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
@InsouciantMan
Recently had a cat-scan.
They didn’t find any cats.
@GFGander
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
@AmandaRNH
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
@SardonicTart
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
@TheToddWilliams
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
@tuckerflodman
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
@KirillWasHere
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
@dubstep4dads
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.