Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@AsgardianRose

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

@WineMummy

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

@HatfieldAnne

“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.

@huntigula

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

@abbycohenwl

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

@markedly

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

@FeelingEuphoric

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”

@steveolivas

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

@mamabirddiaries

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

@TabooBooSF

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.