Maybe that neighbor without a Wi-Fi password isn’t an idiot. Maybe he’s generous. And an idiot.

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Ya’ll a bunch of panicking morons for people who claim to want to die daily.


“Give me pizza or give me death…” my history loving son’s version of a threat.


There is no life on earth without water.nBecause without water, there is no coffee.nAnd without coffee, I’ll kill you all.


Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind


A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing


My mom asked where the remote was and my son told her it was up her ass. She high-fived him and then turned around and slapped me.


People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.


I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.


Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time


holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV