Maybe that neighbor without a Wi-Fi password isn’t an idiot. Maybe he’s generous. And an idiot.

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I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.


Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*


“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.


[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there


Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes


How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7


A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”


Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”


A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.


My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.