@noogscorner

Maybe that neighbor without a Wi-Fi password isn’t an idiot. Maybe he’s generous. And an idiot.

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@notnotscotty

on the toilet 15min: both legs asleep
in bed 3hrs: none of anything asleep

@AimeeHelene1

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

@GFGander

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

@AmandaRNH

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]

Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

@TheToddWilliams

THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game

VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?

@KirillWasHere

If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.

@dubstep4dads

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.