Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
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*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
just having fun
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Yoga Matt