Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
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Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Velcrow
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.