“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
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thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply