Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
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Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
this is the news I live for
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.