Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
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Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Same post same
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.