@therealJJCOOLL

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

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@RadiationGhoul

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

@Vice_Queen

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

@AndyAsAdjective

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

@SoulYodeler

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

@Mardigroan

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

@Darlainky

Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.

@Divergentmama

My husband leaves town for a week: see ya!

I leave town for a week: here’s the kids pickup and dropoff times at school, all 3 practice schedules, doctors and dentist appointments, shopping list, dinner menu and PLEASE DONT FORGET TO FEED THE KIDS.

@FU_TangClan

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too