@evildadatron

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

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@TheBoydP

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

@hamersauce

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

@ShawnGarrett

Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.

@myles_morrison

If anyone tried to steal my identity I would just think “now it’s their problem.”

@PJTLynch

“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”

“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”

-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor

@asamantha321

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

@MaryJustice86

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.