me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
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I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I can also cook 😂
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]