Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
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Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s