Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
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I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes