Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
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To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Who does Amazon think I am?
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?