I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
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wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
*Open up, police!!*
“NO YOU’RE GONNA YELL AT ME.”
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
I paid My 11 old $10 to do the dishes, so on her way to the bathroom I mugged her…because, you know, life lesson.
I just ate an entire bag of Werther’s and now I’m 80 years old, own a floral couch, smoke Virginia Slims, got a perm and my name is Shirley.