I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
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Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses