Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
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Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
oh shit
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.