my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
You Might Also Like
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.