The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
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I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no