Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
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I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me