Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
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gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.