I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
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Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.