Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
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Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.