Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
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Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*