@MariyaAlexander

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

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@Ygrene

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

@TodaysResume

Include a snapshot of Doge the dog with your #resume. When asked about it during the interview, reply “What do you meme?”

@goldengateblond

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

@ArfMeasures

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

@ambermruffin

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

@Parkerlawyer

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

@CorkyCrash

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.