@MariyaAlexander

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

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@bighandsmassuer

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

@Slims_Ramblings

Confidence should never be confused with arrogance.

Arrogance is spelled way differently.

@ChaseLori

Only people who’ve walked into a sliding glass door can laugh when a bird crashes into a window. Everyone else who does it is a racist.

@imadepoopstoday

“Pull my hair, slap me, call me dirty names” – WTF? I’ve been doing this since kindergarten and always got yelled at.

@rickolantern

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

@drinksmcgee

This year’s theme for my kid’s birthay party was “I punched a clown and everyone learned a valuable lesson about phobias and alcoholism”

@Reverend_Scott

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

@SoulYodeler

It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5