Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
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If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Confidence should never be confused with arrogance.
Arrogance is spelled way differently.
Only people who’ve walked into a sliding glass door can laugh when a bird crashes into a window. Everyone else who does it is a racist.
“Pull my hair, slap me, call me dirty names” – WTF? I’ve been doing this since kindergarten and always got yelled at.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
This year’s theme for my kid’s birthay party was “I punched a clown and everyone learned a valuable lesson about phobias and alcoholism”
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5