Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
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David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”