Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
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Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point