You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
You Might Also Like
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person