@GuyThe_Guy

Maybe zombies just have shampoo in their eyes.

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@KeetPotato

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

@_ElvishPresley_

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

@RevHughGRection

why is it that whenever i sit alone in my dark room for days at a time consuming ungodly amounts of food without any social interaction im “depressed” and “need to see a therapist” but whenever other people do it they’re “quarantining”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

@SonoLibero_8

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

@SteussieErica

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

@Ndeshi_M

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

@Cheeseboy22

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.