Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
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date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Shower sex be like:
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.