Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
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this… may be the greatest story ever told
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
it was a valiant fight
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.