Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
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kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
sistine chapel