@sophielou

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

- @sophielou

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@SlayerSays

Don’t model myself after Marilyn Monroe, but having imperfections & dying naked in bed clutching bottles of pills & champagne seems doable.

@longwall26

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

@yonewt

This town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse.

@thatUPSdude

Me: I need to go

Tequila: No stay, have a couple more

Me: I need to go to bed

Tequila: Shhhh just sleep on the floor, I got you

@joeljeffrey

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

@thetits

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

@HeyJennyLeone

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

@Tmoney68

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

@jaibashman

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”