Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
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once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
This was the best day of my life
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?