MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
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I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
In banana years, I am bread.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
had to share :’)
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here