MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.