Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
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Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
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Me: Candy123
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
OH. COME. ON.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Put a ring on it
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom