@sweet_toof

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

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@IrishVin

Her: Can I see your phone?

Me: Cu-caw! Cu-caw! Cu-caw! **Flaps imaginary wings and flys into another room**

@trayofcheese

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

@ksujulie

Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.

@xLiserx

So you’re telling me we can land a spacecraft remotely on Mars, yet, very few men in my office can pee directly into a stationary toilet?

@mommajessiec

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

@bigmacher

No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.

@funnybeachgirl

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

@JermHimselfish

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

@david8hughes

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel