MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
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What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that