McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
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[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.