me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
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He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.