(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
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HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid