[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
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PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
i will avenge u mr van gogh
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle