TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
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Dear parents buying holiday gifts for teachers:
They don’t want candles or a Starbucks GC. They put up with your kids. They want wine.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Oh, I can’t check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You’re saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
It’s been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn’t go out of business or something.
My tombstone will read: If You Don’t Know Me By Now, You Will Never Ever Ever Know Me.