McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
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Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Always…
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis