@Gen22

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

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@daneZie

How to fall down stairs
Step 1
Step 6
Step 7,8,9,11

@Lanecat2

My husband suffers in silence louder than any person I know

@panmidwest

GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard

@rachelmillman

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know

@JasonLastname

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

@HomeWithPeanut

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

@steeve_again

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

@skittle624

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

@BlindVigil

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”