@Gen22

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

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@KevinFarzad

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

@comes_night

Do you ever think hell is full and so the rest of us came back then made a twitter account?

@DoucheMcBaggus

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

@CynicalTherapi1

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

@Browtweaten

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

@kDuncanG

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

@truegritrumble

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

@roggyie

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

@Cycloptomese

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

@desukidesu

the three most popular activities in ancient greece:

3) debating the meaning of life
2) performing theatre
1) having sex with zeus