@Gen22

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

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@TheToddWilliams

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

@SaraMansford

Dear parents buying holiday gifts for teachers:

They don’t want candles or a Starbucks GC. They put up with your kids. They want wine.

@dafloydsta

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

@AdviceFromDino

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

@TheHyyyype

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

@boring_as_heck

Oh, I can’t check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You’re saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?

@KattsDogma

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

@BallsMcBallski

It’s been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn’t go out of business or something.

@jumpdashark

My tombstone will read: If You Don’t Know Me By Now, You Will Never Ever Ever Know Me.