To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
You Might Also Like
Do you ever think hell is full and so the rest of us came back then made a twitter account?
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
the three most popular activities in ancient greece:
3) debating the meaning of life
2) performing theatre
1) having sex with zeus