McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

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How to fall down stairs
Step 1
Step 6
Step 7,8,9,11


My husband suffers in silence louder than any person I know


GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard


if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know


I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.


Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?


Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all


I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.


Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”