@Skoog

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

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@sofarrsogud

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

@generaldietz

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

@SufficientCharm

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

@sophienuuttall

*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*

*gets out ouija board*

“who is Emma”

@MNateShyamalan

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

@Mr_Kapowski

HR said it’s not necessary but I like my sickness to be taken seriously by having my mom send in an email validating my degree of sickness

@carlyken

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

@Amburglar_

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”

@AdamBroud

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

@imchriskelly

Someone once introduced Jeff Goldblum to me at a party by saying, “This is Chris Kelly,” and he exclaimed, “My god, of course!”

I couldn’t believe it. He know who I was??

Then he proceeded to say, “My god, of course!” to every person he was introduced to.

I love Jeff Goldblum.