My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
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Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*
*gets out ouija board*
“who is Emma”
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
HR said it’s not necessary but I like my sickness to be taken seriously by having my mom send in an email validating my degree of sickness
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Someone once introduced Jeff Goldblum to me at a party by saying, “This is Chris Kelly,” and he exclaimed, “My god, of course!”
I couldn’t believe it. He know who I was??
Then he proceeded to say, “My god, of course!” to every person he was introduced to.
I love Jeff Goldblum.