@Skoog

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

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@kumailn

My Game Of Thrones review: Even my cat is a mess.

@SteveHuff

People are so wary of technology still. I grew up living directly under high power lines & only have 1 sentient mole that orders me to kill.

@sonictyrant

[my first police chase]

me: *into walkie talkie* I’m trailing the perp on foot, Chads Gym on Broadway

suspect: *looks over shoulder* only one person per treadmill

me: *into walkie talkie* sorry Keith i lost him

@ItsAndyRyan

They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler

@cray_at_home_ma

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

@Gooooats

You have precisely two minutes to consider where your life went wrong as you watch your Hot Pocket rotate in the microwave.

@novicefather

[Personal ad]

Seeking hostile female rage rhino to suffocate me with her thighs. Smoker’s cough a plus. Oxygen tank required. No crazies.